I’ve been hearing a lot of people talk about “church hurt” these days. Growing up as a pastor’s daughter, I can tell you first hand that I have seen just about every church hurt you can imagine. I have sadly been the one to give church hurt. Memories of those times will probably haunt me until I die. No matter how many times I may ask God to forgive me for being judgmental, insensitive, “too heavenly minded to be any earthly good,” or no matter how many times I may ask those hurt by me to forgive me, I will forever feel a pang of guilt over missing the gracious way that Jesus loved everyone.

There is another type of church hurt too and that is the hurt felt by pastor’s children. Sadly, most pastor’s kids don’t ever get to express this hurt. Many of us leave the faith or lead double lives. Some of us grow up with the inability to bond with others or to express pain in a way that can be received and heard. I only know that the feelings I share here are felt around the globe by other ministers’ kids because I have recently begun to share it with others. Pastor’s kids are rarely invited to be part of close friendships within the church. We usually have to find that outside of the church. This is painful, because the church is our life. It is our “home” and community. The very community we serve, we are really not welcomed to be a part of. Friends have gatherings, parties and outings that you find out about through the grapevine. Over and over this rejection is a constant reminder that you are not welcomed, in your church family. There is gossip…incessant gossip…that you cannot stop or respond to, because there is so much of it you’d go insane trying to make everyone hear your side of the tale. Often times, church folk WANT to hear the worst about you, so when someone begins to spread the negativity, they flock to it, never once trying to find out what is true or to even hear your side. Most believe it. Once they hear and believe it, the response is usually a coldness in the church when you arrive. The pasted smiles, and fake hugs, the phony greetings that you know mean nothing. They have already chosen to believe the worst about you and there’s nothing you can do to change that. Finally, there are those rare times where the burden of loneliness and being misunderstood become too much you react to the pressure. In those times, you do not get the grace that many other hurting people receive in the church. Instead, you get judgement. There is not person who seeks to find out why you’re hurting, instead it gives more fuel for the gossip to grow more.

You learn to lean into you closest family. Because of church hurt it is hard to trust any others outside of that circle. You spend many days crying and praying, journaling and trying to develop the strength to just power forward as if you’re strong and unbothered. You do this year after year after year, because it’s all you know to do. You’ve tried crying out for people to understand your hurt, but that is judged. You try to distance yourself to avoid hurt, and that is judged. You literally cannot win. As a pastor’s kid NOTHING you do is seen through a positive light or a lens of understanding and grace. Literally, one wrong move, word, look, sound can be taken, gossiped about and that gives birth to a spirit in the church community where many turn their backs on you. You literally feel like the entire church hates you and could care less about your existence. This is the life of a pastor’s kid.

When I got married, I was so relieved my husband was not a pastor. He opened my life up to another world where I’m just his wife and we are just regular old people to build real relationships with. I am hoping that my kids would have some sense of building community and friendships without the pressure. They still get a taste of it because I’m their principal, but it’s still no where near the pain I endure. I pray every day, that they will know friendships that are true. Love that is gracious. Relationship that withstands gossip. My father has never had a best friend since he went into ministry. My mother says the same. My husband has shown me how to attempt to build better relationships outside of a church community but it is so hard, because this place that constantly is a source of pain, rejection and misunderstanding is a community that I love so much. There is fear of feeling that hurt again and again by allowing myself to love like that in another community. But maybe it will be different?

Church hurt is real for so many of us. I wonder if there’s a way for a church somewhere in the world to be truly a place of healing, grace and love for everyone, for the members, for the pastor, and for the PK? Because this place that Jesus said was supposed to be a place for hurting hearts to find healing, is often a place where hearts are broken.