I had the chance to talk to a dear friend the other day about singleness and purity. I thought I had a little something to say, since God did not bring my soul mate until I was in my mid-30s. My husband and I both had waited to have sex until we were married. Some may have thought it was an easy journey, but it was NOT!
Before we were suddenly brought into each other’s lives (we met one day, 10 months later we were married), we’d had a number of dating experiences that brought us very close to breaking the vow we’d made to God. Both of us had made a commitment to save ourselves for marriage when we were teenagers (even though we did not know each other…we didn’t even grow up in the same state!). Even still, when we graduated from college and began to live the adult life, we made choices that brought WAY too close to falling….TOO CLOSE!
In this journey, I learned that you cannot play with men’s sexual desire. You cannot just be throwing sensual hints at them, and then when their instinct arouses, cut it off and say, “But I’m saving myself for marriage.” That’s crazy and just plain mean! I learned that a man’s sexual desire can be awakened even if he does not feel deep love for you. Unlike me, my sexual appetite was connected to the emotions I felt for him. Men and women, I feel are just wired differently (and I know there are some exceptions to this rule).
Anyway, my friend began to tell me about this guy she was dating and how much they cared for her. They’d begun to share openly about their attraction for each other, and on the surface it seeme harmless enough. But I worried, that once they were alone, how would they contain the passion they obviously felt for each other. Even with her saying she was going to save herself, I wondered if the constant sensual connections they shared with each other (not sex, but talking, hugging, kissing, massaging…and never coming close to restricted areas) would break down the strength to stay pure. I know for me when I was dating, the more sensual connection I shared with a guy, the weaker I became.
I would not allow a guy to touch the restricted areas (my breasts, private, butt, even to nibble on my ear…the ear drove me insane!!), but there were other ways that a guy and I could express sensual connection. We could just sort of dance around the temptation, claiming not to get too close to the fire. I thought I was safe and for the most part I was, UNTIL that one day where I found that the constant dancing around the fire, weakened my strength and I found myself laying down with a guy at a crossroads of having sex or getting the heck out of dodge! Thank the Lord, I got out of there, and the guy was sweet enough to support the decision. But STILL! It was too close! He felt deeply for the guy. My emotions were in overdrive. My passion for him was a raging flame and if he’d not been a gentleman, I’d have fallen. One gentle nudge to not go, one touch from him to draw me in, would have been the death of my commitment to God that I’d made as a teenager.
That one incident was a wake up call. I vowed to steer clear of the flame altogether. Little did I know that the man God had for me, was having a parallel experience hundreds of miles away and had also made the same decision. So when Damon and I got together our minds were made up. We focused solely on enjoying each other’s company, minus any form of sensual connection. Did we kiss? After we were engaged, and we kept mouths closed. Did we hug? Yes, but the mid areas, steered clear of each other when we did. Did we cuddle? Yes, but as soon as we felt any form of temptation, we sat in separate chairs. You get the picture.
We could still see the passion and sensuality in each others eyes when we looked at each other and we kept that to ourselves. I did not tell him “I cannot wait until we are married, then we can…” We just focused on getting to know each other in a romantic platonic love. Through that a really deep friendship developed that keeps us bonded when sex is happening or not (um I’ve had 3 kids really close together, so there was a long span of time where sex was almost non-existent). He is my best friend and our bond is beyond sex.
Now don’t get me wrong, the passion is intense. Literally right after the ceremony, we couldn’t even make it out of the banquet hall. I’m serious! We fooled around downstairs as we waited to be called into the reception. We fooled around in the limo. In the hotel room we barely got in the door of the room! Before kids and now that after childbearing is done the passion is pretty intense and quite regular. We did not need to “practice” as some folks say. Does a bird need to practice how to fly?? Sex is an instinct God spoke into us at creation, so whenever you get married, your bodies will know EXACTLY what to do and you will be compatible as you learn to please each other as individual sexual creatures. Each person has their own sexual satisfaction code and no other sexual experience can prepare you for what your soul mate will need.
Anyway, if you have not already, please wait. Also, don’t awaken love in yourself or in your partner until marriage. It’s a cruel joke on a guy and a terrible frustration for you. You will not regret it, I promise. I can testify!