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Even More Random Thoughts on 10 Years of Marriage

I have learned so much in these 10 years of marriage:
One thing I have learned is that to know how to make my partner/husband happy, I havewedding 3 to study him and for him to know what makes me happy, he has to study me. Although Damon may tell his side to this, I do need to speak on this a bit because in Damon studying me, I have actually learned a lot about myself! My love language is service and words of affirmation and when these needs are met Damon can get a lot out of me (now that’s all I will say about myself!). For a long time I spent a lot of time serving Damon. Then one day, he was honest in telling me that I was missing the mark. At first I was so offended! I was working hard! Cooking, cleaning, just trying to keep a home that makes him feel at peace. But that is NOT really what he wanted. After I got over my feelings, I realized that I was doing all of that, because it was making me feel like I was “doing something”. Honestly, I was trying to make Damon happy by what my mother did to make my dad happy. But Damon is very different. Damon knows how to do domestic stuff (yes he cooks, GLORY!!) and so he did not NEED that from me (although I do cook for him still). He needed something totally different. In these 10 years, Damon has taught me to be me, to love him as he is and to focus on what OUR union individually needs. All that time I claimed I was doing it for him, but was I? Sometimes I have made the awful mistake of determining what makes Damon happy, by what makes me happy (i.e. a clean house) or what I THINK he needs (based on some past experience that has NOTHING to do with HIM!). OMG! Let Damon come in here, and cook or clean? (which he does a lot, actually)?? Let me tell you!!! What I found out was that he actually loves it when I give HIM my full time and attention. He loves it when I am often affectionate with him, when I talk and listen to him. When I spend real quality time with him. He would prefer a messy house with me sitting on the couch with him just talking and cuddling. And also….he LOVES when I initiate intimacy, which was hard because I am actually shy! I had to really break out of my comfort zone on this one! Help me Lord! Another thing is I also have made the mistake of beautifying myself based on ONLY what I think he SHOULD be attracted to, instead of seeing what Damon actually is attracted to! I found out through a mini assessment a while ago, what “look” Damon likes the best. I started changing up my look and began to study his overall response. Do you know there are times that men, although they may love their wife, actually just are NOT attracted to them! OMG! Watch this! When I wore my hair in a short natural, I realized that there was no “spark” in his eye. He HATES my hair short…like HATES IT! He was sweet, but just not “turned on” by my appearance. Through my test I found out that he does NOT like it when I wear my hair too conservative or when my overall look is too conservative. He did not like regular braids, but loved Marley braids. He actually prefers when I look wild and artsy. So he loved the big/long wild afro (without any trimming on the sides…he does not like a woman going to the barber shop…lol!), the locs, marley braids, and when I wear outfits that are just really unique, but not too loud. When I would dress this way and wear my hair in any one of these hairstyles, he was just really drawn to me. For example, he does not like me in suits or conservative/matching sets or outfits, but he loves when I wear my army sweat pants (green camouflage print) and a tank or cut up jeans and a top….a nice dress and platform wedges…you get the picture. I’m being detailed so you can visualize what I’m saying….And then he told me one day, (even though he did not know I was assessing him) that he married me because I was NOT boring. That everything about me was hot, fiery, free and just wild and it is what draws him to me. And all that time I was thinking that because he was conservative that he would want me to tone it down a little sometimes, but he doesn’t! I had never really paid attention to Damon’s subtle or non-verbal responses to my appearance before and just assumed, “Hey we’re married, and I look neat, and he’s being nice to me!” But even though we have been married for some years, he actually gets a renewed spark when I look a certain way, like he’s more openly and spontaneously affectionate, gives more compliments and he actually will gaze at me as if he admires my appearance. LIke this can happen even after being married for 10 years! Now we went through a REAL dry spell and I was just not doing my part in these areas correctly (and if you are wondering about Damon, he has to tell his story). Yet even still I refused to give up or to just be like “forget it…we’re married and he is stuck with me.” I had to work and work hard. It is what I vowed to do. Now I am finding that our marriage can actually retain the spark it had while we were dating, but there are some tricks to the trade ya’ll!!! It has become almost like when he first fell in love with me and I’ve seen this happen over and over, since I became in tune with what he likes in my appearance and what needs he wants met. In all these years, I have learned that most times what Damon wants is vastly different from what I think or want and so I have to make the choice to meet him there and he has had to do the same for me (but that’s his story to tell). In us focusing on meeting the others’ needs, my needs actually end up getting met. By me denying myself and him denying himself, we both get fulfilled….BUT IT”S SO HARD TO DO!!

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